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<a href="/blog.html">← BLOG POSTS</a>
<span class="date">
JANUARY 29, 2025
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<h1>CIGARETTES AND SAWDUST</h1>
<p>
<i>First four months as a carpenter. Trying to join the army. Caffeine and cigarettes. Career prospects. My
life as it currently stands. More news at 11.
</i>
<br> <br>
You know, they say life's two greatest tragedies are not getting what you want and getting what you want.
Attribute that to Oscar Wilde. Anyways, here's the situation. I decided in August that I wanted
to join the army. It's a decision that took some time, but I made it and I trust in my judgement. I called
the recruiting office to find out about my application, and learned that it would take me until the Fall
semester of 2025 to start going to school again. I ask my recruiter "hey, man - what should I do for the
next year?"
<br> <br>
"Get a job, volunteer, try to strengthen your portfolio.. up to you."
<br> <br>
Which, I'll admit, is a completely fair response given such an odd question. In September, I went to
Toronto. Experienced the joys of driving there, saw Weezer live, met my buddy Josh at UofT, lived it up
large in the big city, and then flew back. No job, no school, no nothing when I got back to town.
<br> <br>
So I figured I'd try to get a job at the Pasqua; seemed like a good gig, honest work, good OT and looks
clean on a resumé. After all - I knew someone at the Pasqua. I could do a good job until maybe Summer of
2025, get out, do a little more travelling, and then go and do what I had actually planned to do. When that
didn't work, I played Escape From Tarkov: Arena for two weeks and job hunted every day until I finally
secured another job. I just went with the first offer thrown at me.
<br> <br>
And so I became an Apprentice Carpenter. Seemed like my second-best option, when working at a cutesy coffee
shop and getting paid 23.50$ an hour as an office administrator clearly were out of reach for a man of my
qualifications. The first day, I came in like Spongebob - I thought I knew everything. I didn't want to be a
great framer, but I wanted to be good. So long as I wasn't the worst.
<br> <br>
After about three weeks, I got a voicemail. Pasqua Hospital. We've seen your resume, and your numerous
applications, and someone here is vouching for you. We'd like you to come in for an interview. Checked my
email inbox, and find an email from a landscaping company. Same thing.
<br> <br>
I don't know what I thought I was doing, but I said "no." Keep my name and resume for your use, and if ever
I am free again, I'll contact you and we can start this little thing of ours up again. I liked being called
"faggot" and "retard" at work. I liked being incompetent. It fit me, somehow. I wanted to destroy whatever
it is I was and begin again. I liked hearing stories from my coworkers and my boss about the life. About
this world
that I didn't know. Ego death. Meet interesting people, do interesting things. That's how it's gonna be.
Work
hard, get paid
my cut, and shut up about it.
<br> <br>
I thought it would get better after a little while. Which it did, but -- and I'm ashamed to say it.. I may
have been a little naïve in my read on the situation. It was not all I had imagined it to be in my head, and
what I had seen from those EXTREMELY competent framers on YouTube. Curse that bastard Framing Beast for
being so good at his job. He made me want to be him.
<br> <br>
In Joseph Conrad's <i>Heart Of Darkness,</i> the main character, Marlow, goes on a mission into the "Heart
of Darkness" (up the Congo River) in order to find a mysterious Mr. Kurtz, who has become a god to the local
tribals of the Congo and "gone native." Marlow at first thinks that Kurtz may have gone mad, but when the
two finally meet, and Kurtz' health begins to decline, Marlow starts to understand the vision that Kurtz had
for the world. Kurtz' fame as an ivory trader at his post upstream and his legion of supporters, it all
makes sense.
<br> <br>
That's how I feel about my boss. I can never get a good read on whether or not he likes me, or if I'm even
doing a good job, but I see the vision.
I can't quit because I want to see it through. I'm done when he says we're done. This might be coming off as
melodramatic; which it is, but come on! Have some love for art and writing.
<br> <br>
Anyways, after the New Year, it kinda became clear that this whole carpentry thing is unsustainable. I went
to Tim's after work one day to see Boh and Vincent, and the first words out of Boh's mouth were "Wow, you
look like shit."
<br> <br>
I'm not sad, really. Just a little bit peeved. When my teachers said "Peter, you have so many open doors" in
reference to my career paths, my future as an individual, I didn't think I would be installing doors. Or
windows, for that matter.
<br> <br>
TLDR: Trying to join the army is taking longer than I had expected. Tried to get a job, found a different
one, deluded myself into thinking it'd be great fun, it isn't really. Got offered the job I had originally
wanted, and turned it down. Such is life.
<br> <br>
All the best.
<br> <br>
Peter
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