CIGARETTES AND SAWDUST

+ +

+ First four months as a carpenter. Trying to join the army. Caffeine and cigarettes. Career prospects. My + life as it currently stands. More news at 11. + +

+ You know, they say life's two greatest tragedies are not getting what you want and getting what you want. + Attribute that to Oscar Wilde. Anyways, here's the situation. I decided in August that I wanted + to join the army. It's a decision that took some time, but I made it and I trust in my judgement. I called + the recruiting office to find out about my application, and learned that it would take me until the Fall + semester of 2025 to start going to school again. I ask my recruiter "hey, man - what should I do for the + next year?" +

+ "Get a job, volunteer, try to strengthen your portfolio.. up to you." +

+ Which, I'll admit, is a completely fair response given such an odd question. In September, I went to + Toronto. Experienced the joys of driving there, saw Weezer live, met my buddy Josh at UofT, lived it up + large in the big city, and then flew back. No job, no school, no nothing when I got back to town. +

+ So I figured I'd try to get a job at the Pasqua; seemed like a good gig, honest work, good OT and looks + clean on a resumé. After all - I knew someone at the Pasqua. I could do a good job until maybe Summer of + 2025, get out, do a little more travelling, and then go and do what I had actually planned to do. When that + didn't work, I played Escape From Tarkov: Arena for two weeks and job hunted every day until I finally + secured another job. I just went with the first offer thrown at me. +

+ And so I became an Apprentice Carpenter. Seemed like my second-best option, when working at a cutesy coffee + shop and getting paid 23.50$ an hour as an office administrator clearly were out of reach for a man of my + qualifications. The first day, I came in like Spongebob - I thought I knew everything. I didn't want to be a + great framer, but I wanted to be good. So long as I wasn't the worst. +

+ + After about three weeks, I got a voicemail. Pasqua Hospital. We've seen your resume, and your numerous + applications, and someone here is vouching for you. We'd like you to come in for an interview. Checked my + email inbox, and find an email from a landscaping company. Same thing. +

+ I don't know what I thought I was doing, but I said "no." Keep my name and resume for your use, and if ever + I am free again, I'll contact you and we can start this little thing of ours up again. I liked being called + "faggot" and "retard" at work. I liked being incompetent. It fit me, somehow. I wanted to destroy whatever + it is I was and begin again. I liked hearing stories from my coworkers and my boss about the life. About + this world + that I didn't know. Ego death. Meet interesting people, do interesting things. That's how it's gonna be. + Work + hard, get paid + my cut, and shut up about it. +

+ I thought it would get better after a little while. Which it did, but -- and I'm ashamed to say it.. I may + have been a little naïve in my read on the situation. It was not all I had imagined it to be in my head, and + what I had seen from those EXTREMELY competent framers on YouTube. Curse that bastard Framing Beast for + being so good at his job. He made me want to be him. +

+ In Joseph Conrad's Heart Of Darkness, the main character, Marlow, goes on a mission into the "Heart + of Darkness" (up the Congo River) in order to find a mysterious Mr. Kurtz, who has become a god to the local + tribals of the Congo and "gone native." Marlow at first thinks that Kurtz may have gone mad, but when the + two finally meet, and Kurtz' health begins to decline, Marlow starts to understand the vision that Kurtz had + for the world. Kurtz' fame as an ivory trader at his post upstream and his legion of supporters, it all + makes sense. +

+ That's how I feel about my boss. I can never get a good read on whether or not he likes me, or if I'm even + doing a good job, but I see the vision. + I can't quit because I want to see it through. I'm done when he says we're done. This might be coming off as + melodramatic; which it is, but come on! Have some love for art and writing. +

+ Anyways, after the New Year, it kinda became clear that this whole carpentry thing is unsustainable. I went + to Tim's after work one day to see Boh and Vincent, and the first words out of Boh's mouth were "Wow, you + look like shit." +

+ I'm not sad, really. Just a little bit peeved. When my teachers said "Peter, you have so many open doors" in + reference to my career paths, my future as an individual, I didn't think I would be installing doors. Or + windows, for that matter. +

+ TLDR: Trying to join the army is taking longer than I had expected. Tried to get a job, found a different + one, deluded myself into thinking it'd be great fun, it isn't really. Got offered the job I had originally + wanted, and turned it down. Such is life. +

+ All the best. +

+ Peter +